


I Wish I Could

by Musiclover13980



Category: IWishICould
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:21:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24096493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musiclover13980/pseuds/Musiclover13980
Summary: Autumn and Brandon have been best friend's ever sense second grade, inseparable friends. They do everything together.But what happens when Brandon breaks a promise and commits suicide? How is Autumn going to cope with losing her best friend? How is she going to make it through school being the dead boys best friend?As she stood on the bridge thinking of how her life went, and how it could've been, she makes a rash decision. And the next thing she knows is waking up in the hospital because some mystery guy saved her from her death.Now she not only is the dead boys best friend, but also the girl who attempted suicide and failed.Her school life seems to be going down hill, but an outcast tough and popular boy has taken interest in sticking up for her, something only Brandon did.Who is this guy? And why is he so content on sticking up for her?





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

_I_ _saw all the signs._  
 _But I did nothing._  
 _I never thought it would come to this._

_I wish I wouldve tryed to help him,_  
 _I wish I never took him forgranted,_  
 _I wish I could go back in time,_  
 _And make this all right,_  
But I can't.

It's too late,  
 _He's_ gone forever,  
 _I couldve helped,_  
 _And told him what he ment to me._

Thats why I'm standing here now. Infront of his grave in the pouring rain telling him how much he ment to me, and how much I loved him. I loved how he loved nature and books. How he would enjoy the simplest and smallest things and life. I loved every imperfection about him. He was perfect to me. In every way I can think of.

It tears me apart we can't be together, but now we can. I left a letter on the table at home. Explaining how I cant live without him in my life. And now I'm going. I'm going to be with him once again.

\-----------------------------------------------------

This story is updated on Wattpad and Inkitt everyother week. AOO will not get anymore chapters until it is finished.


	2. Prolouge

_I_ _saw all the signs._  
 _But I did nothing._  
 _I never thought it would come to this._

_I wish I wouldve tryed to help him,_  
 _I wish I never took him forgranted,_  
 _I wish I could go back in time,_  
 _And make this all right,_  
But I can't.

It's too late,  
 _He's_ gone forever,  
 _I couldve helped,_  
 _And told him what he ment to me._

Thats why I'm standing here now. Infront of his grave in the pouring rain telling him how much he ment to me, and how much I loved him. I loved how he loved nature and books. How he would enjoy the simplest and smallest things and life. I loved every imperfection about him. He was perfect to me. In every way I can think of.

It tears me apart we can't be together, but now we can. I left a letter on the table at home. Explaining how I cant live without him in my life. And now I'm going. I'm going to be with him once again.


	3. Chapter One

August 17th, 2017

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see either. Everything was blending together. The voice sounded like it was far away, _very_ far away. When in reality Mrs. Kenner was standing right beside me, telling me Brandon committed suicide as police officers walked in and out of their two story white picket fence house.

"No," I barely whispered shaking my head violently, and sending my long wavy hair with it. "He promised me he-."

"Yes, I found him in the attic this morning. Af-afterfinding hi-his n-note on h-his b-b-bed," her voice wavered and her forest green eyes looked pained and dark. Not there usual bright color, but a darker shade. Her usual strong and confident being was broken and unsure. Her usual smile was gone and replaced with tears and a frown.

"Th-This was on his b-bed, it's addressed to you. I-I don't know what's in it. For it's y-your's." She stumbled over her words, trying to be strong. For me, and for Seira.

She's always been a strong, independent woman. Even after her husband past she still stood tall. You would think she's okay, but on the inside she is dying.

They could hear her cry from there rooms at night as she broke. All the pain she hides and her acting throughout the day has taken their toll on her.

This time it will be her son, not her husband . This time it is her baby. Her baby boy who at the ripe age of 18 took his life. This type of burden will never be lifted from her shoulders.

"It'll get better, with time sweetie," she tried to reassure me. _No,_ I thought, _the pain just becomes easier to bare. To live with._

 _"_ It's also okay to let your feelings out. To show how you're truly feeling. To show your not okay," I tell her.

The look on her face tore me up before she started sobbing. I gave her a hug, rubbing her back as tears rolled down my face too.

It felt like forever that we just stayed like that, when really it was only ten minutes.

She pulled away first as a police officer asked her if she could answer some questions. She said, "yes, just give me a minute."

"Take your time," the woman said.

"Autumn, bring Seira to the police station p-please? She's over at Ashley's house. You know where that is is right?"

"Yes, do you want me to, to t-tell h-her? " I asked, dead of emotions.

" The sooner the better, and coming from you will make it easier on her I think."

~

"I'll see you soon! " A happy Seira yelled back to her friend Ashley as we walked down the street.

_How am I going to tell her? To ruin her day, week, life? How am I supposed to tell a fifteen year old girl that her older brother, who she loves and idolizes with all her heart, isn't with us anymore? How do I break her heart and dreams?_

"Seria, your mom asked me to come get you."

"Well, duh. Why else would you be picking me up? "

" Here, let's go sit on the swings for a minute while we talk, " I instruct as we pass by a tiny park.

_You can do this. Just rip the band-aid off._

_"_ Seria, it's Brandon."

"What?"

"Brandon, he-" I just couldn't bring myself to tell her.

"He what? Come on Autumn, you can't just leave me hanging like that!" She whined. "Did he finally ask you out?"

"What? No. He, ummm, look Seria..."

"You're making me nervous, tell me?" I started picking at my cuticles, trying not to let the tears come. "Autumn, what's going on?"

My eyes betrayed me, the tears just running down my face. "H-he, he's gone," I sobbed.

"Wh-what do you mean gone?"

"He's gone. He's fucking gone.... gone.... gone," I kept repeating the word, it was the only word that seemed to come out of my mouth.

"Autumn, what the hell is going on? What do you mean he's gone?"

Looking into her eyes, I could see her unshed tears threatening to break loose.

"He committed suicide," I barley whispered out. After a few moments I didn't think she heard me until I looked up. She was shaking her head rapidly.

"No, no no no no."

She started sobbing as I held her in my arms. I bet we looked like crazy people, both of us standing in the middle of a park crying our hearts out.


	4. Chapter Two

_August 22nd, 2017_

It's been five days since his death. Five dreadful, long, painful days. Today is the funeral. I've been helping his mom a lot, and Seria and I have spent so much time together cooking goodies, although they didn't need any. Many neighbors brought them food.

"Autumn, honey?" My mom called trough my bedroom door before coming in. I was sitting on my bed with a picture of me and him together on the railway bridge. It's our favorite spot, or it use to be.

"We have to leave in ten minutes, are you ready?" _Am I ready to put my best friend six feet under? No, no I'm not ready. I'll never be ready._

"Yes mom, I'll be out in a few." She looked at me with guilt and pain before lightly closing the door.

I took a deep breath in before putting the picture back into the nightstand drawer. I slowly got up off of my bed and walked over to my door.

We were about to pull out of the driveway when I remembered something. I quickly got out of the car mumbling, "I forgot something."

I ran into the house running into the basement. I ran over to the place where I knew it was. Gently I pulled it out from it's hiding place before walking back up the stairs and out to the car.

Once we were at the church, I couldn't help but notice all of the people from school who where their. _Why are they here, they didn't even care._

I walked up to the shiny black casket, it was closed. Knowing his mom, she probably wouldn't want it to be open with a bunch of strangers milling around. _Especially sense they're here._

I spotted Mrs. Kenner across the church accepting hugs from a bunch of people. I waited until she was alone, and was heading to the pews. I lightly tapped her shoulder. She turned around, once she saw it was me she lit up.

"Autumn, honey. Do you want to sit upfront with me?"

"If I could? Anyways, I was wondering...." I started.

" Yeah?"

" Could I put this into his casket?" I asked, holding the wooden box up higher for her to see.

She smiled, but it wasn't throwing me. " Of course," she responded before walking further into the church.

I walked over to the casket, and slowly lifted up the lid. I heard it was bad, but I just never thought it was _this_ bad.

His neck was all sorts of colors from purple to blue, to black. His face was paler then normal. My vision was becoming blurry, I hurried up and opened the bottom hate of the casket and put the box down by his feet. I don't know why, but something just clicked. It's like it finally sunk in that he was gone once I cought sight of his hands. They were so skinny, had bruises, and we're all cut up.

After I gave him a kiss on the cheek, I closed the casket before walking into the service as it was beginning.

The preacher had _no_ right saying everything he said about Brendan. He didn't even know him except from what he was told.

While they were religious, they weren't that committed to going to church. In the past year, he's only gone for Easter and Christmas Eve. I guess you could count this too.

The pastor never even talked to him, let alone his mother before this happened.

"He was taken away from us too soon, but as the Roman's in 8:28 said, 'all things work out for good for those who love God.' God needed him more than we did, and I know that Brendan is now up their watching over everyone here, and helping his savior."

In all honesty, this was a bunch of bullshit. I personally didn't believe in God, because if he were real why did so many people die of cancer? Why were people rude? Selfish? The devil is only capable of so much, and if you ask me the reason the world is failing is because the human race is destroying it and are ignorant to everything that matters.

Once the ceremony was over, only family and friends were allowed to follow the hearse to the cemetery. Surprisingly, when we arrived they had the stone off to the side.

"Thank you all for joining us here today," Mrs. Kenner started standing next to the casket, holding a bouquet of different types of orchids. His favorite type of flower.

"While it's good to everyone, I never pictured it under these circumstances. B-brendan, my lovely baby boy, he was smart and strong. I have the same questions that you guys have. I don't know why he'd do this, but at least he's in a better place. I wish he was still here. I really want to see him smile, laugh, and play baseball. Looking back, I feel as if I should've known, I mean, I'm his mom. I birthed him. I watched him grow as a human, as a boy into a young man. I thought him how to read, play the piano.

He was the best son. But that's just being biased, because I am his mother. I'm supposed to gloat about how amazing he was. As his mother he was obviously a different person around me, all _prim and_ _proper_ in his own way." A few people chuckled at her attempt at a British accent.

After Seria talked about Brendan through her sobs, it was my turn to speak.

I slowly walked up to the casket with a red rose in hand. Looking out in the crowd of fifty or so people, mostly family. I took a deep breath in when I cought sight of Scott, I tightly smiled at him before I began.

"He was the best-est friend anyone could have ever had. He always would make you better when you were feeling down. He cared about so many things, things that most people don't care or think much about.

Now, it's true he was different around me than he was around his mom. He was more goofy and carefree when it was just us. He, he was always there for everyone. No matter the cost to him. He was always giving, _always_." I could barely keep it together as I continued.

"He, he was so carefree, so amazing. He would get a sparkle in his eye when he would talk about something he loved. His smile made a room shine brighter, at least to me."

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry Bran. So, very sorry. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Not in the slightest. I failed you, I failed everyone," I whisper to the casket. I set my flower onto the casket before stepping back, watching as he was slowly lowered into the ground.

~

I was laying on the trampoline in his back yard when I heard my name. Slowly I sat up, trying not to make a noise just in case they heard me. It sounded like they were on the side of the house.

"Autumn's so fake. I mean if she just lost her best friend, why wasn't she crying? How did she let him do this? I don't think she even cared about him."

"Sammy, you know how close they were. They were practically dating."

"Drew, she dragged him on. I wouldn't be surprised if part of the reason he did it was because of her. She's toxic."

I couldn't listen anymore. All the family gatherings that I went to, Sammy and Drew were the ones to hang out with me and Brendan. I never thought I would hear Sammy be cruel to anyone. 

_Is that what people think? That I am the reason? That I knew?_

I got off of the trampoline and went into the house, looking at all his family members as I passed, and wondering who else thought this was my fault?

Scott stopped me as I reached the bottom of the stairs. I gave him a little smile.

"I know I'm not Carry, or him for that matter, but how are you holding up?" He asked, hands shoved in his pockets.

"Decently. How's Carry holding up?" I haven't heard from her in a month, sense she was on vacation and no phones were allowed, but I'm sure she found a way to get a hold of him. She probably sent him letters every week, where as I had to call her dad to tell him what had happened. He didn't even let me tell her, or let her come. He's a dick, but she'll hopefully be back Saturday.

"She hates that she couldn't be here. Especially sense you are doing this alone at the moment."

"Is that why your here? To make sure i'm okay for her?" While Scott's a nice guy, he can also be a complete asshole too. He's apart of the popular group at our school.

"No, well yes, but he was also a friend of Carry's. I even considered him my friend, but I know he didn't really like me because he didn't want his friend to hurt, but we were still friends. Not as close as you, or even Carry is, or was, to him. But I was still a friend of his. I'd be messed up not to say good-bye and support his family."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. You're just grieving and trying to make out if I'm joking with you or not. Autumn, I wouldn't be a Dick about this, this is something that no one should be a dick about."

"Yeah, but that won't stop your friends from being assholes about it."

"You're right, but I can't really stop them when I'm not around."

"Yeah, I guess." With that I went up the stairs.

I stopped in-front of his room. Just blankly staring at the wooden door.

"Hey," Seira greeted with a small smile on her face.

"Hey, how are you holding up?"

"I'd say pretty good compared to my mom." I knew this wasn't easy on her. Losing her son. Her child. She has been put through so much it's unfair, but that's life.

"I wish there was something I could do to help."

"I know just having you around helps her. She wouldn't have finished the planning if it wasn't for you helping her. You take her mind off of the fact that he's gone. She was probably expecting him to walk through that front d-oor." Her voice cracked at the ending. I lead her to her room, and we sat on her bed.

"Mom aside, truly, how are you doing."

She broke down sobbing. "I just, I can't believe it. H-he, he-." I wrapped her into a hug, knowing she's been staying as strong as she can for her mom.

"He seemed fine. If, if I'd known I wouldn't have left. I know if you knew you'd have told me. It just, it doesn't feel real you know? At times I've tricked myself that he's at some camp, and that he will be back in a few weeks. That's not the case though. He's truly gone." She continued to cry.

We hung out in her room until it was dinner time. We were eating subs and pizza, people sitting and standing where they could. I sat in a corner on the floor, alone.

When I was almost done, Sammy came up to me. She seemed so tall as she stood above my sitting form.

"Hey," I tightly smiled at her.

"Don't hey me you fucking whore. All you ever did was play him," she spat. "You are so selfish. Didn't you ever think of his family before you put your issues before his?"

I was in shock. Sammy has never talked to anyone like this before that I know of.

"See, you don't even deny it. You're such a fake bitch. I don't see what he ever saw in you. All you do is complain about your petty problems and expect everyone else to fix them."

"What?" _Is this really how people see me?_

 _"_ Oh, don't play innocent. It's not fooling me. You should be the one who's dead not him. He's gone because of you," she started to raise her voice. "It's all your fault you fucking bitch. You have no right being here! Go back to you _sad, horrible_ life. No one even wants you here. Just go—"

"Sammy! That's enough!" Her mother yelled.

Drew walked up to me after Sammy stormed off. I was trying so hard to keep the tears at bay, but one slipped out.

"Hey, don't take any of the personal. She doesn't mean it. She's just grieving."

I slowly got up onto my feet. "It wasn't just grief, the look she had in her eyes was more than just lashing out because she's grieving. It was ruthless. I want to believe she didn't mean it, but she actually looks like she wants to stab me." Which, in all reality she did. I thought we were friends, but then she stabs me in the back.

"Autu-"

"No Drew. I know when I'm not wanted." With that I walked out of the Kenner's house to home.  
  



	5. Chapter Three

Warning: It gets Triggering at the end  
____________________________________

August 26, 2017

"Hey, mom? Can I go to the mall with Seira and Carry today?" I asked, as she typed away on her computer.

"Mhm."

" Well, can I borrow twenty dollars?"

"Autumn, I'm busy. Go to your father," she snapped. Sighing I walked out to the garage.

" Dad?" I called over the football game.

" What!" He yelled, not turning the television down. I walked over to the corner with the ratty rocking chair infront of a plasma flat screen TV.

"Dad, can I go to the mall with Seira and Carry?"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just go," he shooed me away.

"Can I borrow twenty dollars?" I inquired, still standing next to him so that way he could hear me.

"God Damnit Autumn! Just go away already! Can't you see I'm busy?" He yelled at me. The anger in his eyes was very promanate as he looked at me. It was then that I noticed he had a beer in his hand.

I walked out, holding back my tears. I was about to knock on Keivin's door before I remembered that he was at basketball camp until next week. Sighing I walked out of my house to the Kenner's.

Twenty minutes later I stood outside waiting for Seira to come. Looking up, I notice a cloud shaped like a whale before I'm taken into a huge hug from the side.

"Hey!" Carry yelled in my ear.

"Hey, could you let go? It's hard to breathe."

"Yeah, sorry. So, how's it been? Miss me?"

"It's been. Keivin's at camp till next week. I've been bored. I've missed you though."

"Autumn," she sternly said, "tell me the truth."

"The truth? The truth is I've been terrible. I lost one of my best friends, my brothers not home, you left me, and we're starting school soon. How am I supposed to be okay through all of this?" I started to raise my voice, feeling the tears come to my eyes.

"Shhhhh, I know." Carry wrapped me in one of her big hugs that made me feel like I was hugging a pillow.

"How were you the past month, touring the country and all."

"Let's see, stuck in a camper with my dad, grandma, and two cousins. We weren't allowed to have phones. I was getting nagged at by my dad. And lastly, my father wouldn't let me call you, or even come home early after what happened. So I'd say my summer was shit."

"Are you sure I can't poison him?" Don't get me wrong Carry's dad was a nice fellow, he owned three small car shops in town. He was a nice person. He just didn't know when to not mention something serious, like Carry's weight.

"No, as much as I hate him I still love the sperm donor bastard that I call my father."

I was about to say something when Seira walked out.

"Carry!" She yelled when she cought sight of her. "You're back, how are you?"

"I'm doing okay, you?"

"Fine," she shrugged her shoulders. "So, let's get this show on the road. Once we turned towards Carry's car, Seira instantly took off running to it, well a person by it. Scott. I gave Carry a questioning look, and she just shrugged.

"He said he wanted to come, so I let him. He's not going to do anything Aut, you know this."

"Yes, but others could be at the mall. You know how he acts around his friends."

" I know, just deal with it okay? He says he's trying to be better."

" Okay," and with that we reached the car. I gave Scott a tight lipped smile before climbing into the back seat with Seira.

~

We had been in Macy's for two hours before Carry and Seira were done. While I loved the girl time, I disliked Macy's. I don't know why, because you'll find the same clothes at other store's. I just didn't like Macy's.

"Let's go get something to eat," Seira suggested.

"Okay," Carry and I chimed. Weirdly Scott hadn't talked a lot, except to tell Carry if he like the outfit or not, which most of them he loved.

Once we were at the food court, Carry and Seira went to wait in the long line for food. Scott and I sat down at a table.

"Why didn't you get anything?" He asked after a few seconds of silence.

"I don't like Macy's," I simply stated.

"Oh. Well, why aren't you going to eat?"

"I'm not hungry," I said. How could I tell him that I didn't have any money with me? He would either laugh or take me on as a charity case.

"Really?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, really. Why? Aren't you hungry" What was he trying to get at?

" Nothing, it's just in the time that I've known you you've always ate. You even get everyone else to eat if they aren't going to. I don't like anything they serve here."

"Let's see, I only forced four people to eat that I can remember. One of which was suffering with depression who didn't care for his health much, and is now dead. Carry, because she wasn't that comfortable in her body and wanted to lose weight. Seira, because she is borderline anorexic. And my brother, because he forgets to eat at times because he's either playing video games or playing basketball," I explained. "So, I'm sorry if I'm trying to help out the ones I care about."

"I didn't mean to offend you. I was just curious as to why you're always putting yourself out there to help others if you aren't going to follow through on what you're telling them to do. Seira's anorexic?"

"No, but she's borderline. She has her good days, but most of them she tries everything she can to not gain any weight. Watch her come back with a small chicken salad and only eat half."

"I had no idea," his eyes downcast at the table.

" Not many do. She hides it well. She's been getting worse though. Her mom suspects something, but she just think it's because she's still dealing with his death." All of a sudden his eyes went dark and he leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. He seemed empty and void compared to just a few seconds ago.

"Hey Scott!" Someone called.

He was stiff. His back was straighten out, but it still looked like he was casually sitting down.

"Hey John." Wait, John?

If John's here, then that must mean that the others are here. And if the others are here, that means Scott's going to be a dick. And if Scott's a dick, then the others start too. Why me? Why was this my fucking luck?

"Ready for practice Monday?" Drew joined in.

"Yeah, I'm still a little sore from Thursday though."

"Aye, be glad you skipped Friday. Oh, Coach wasn't happy by the way."

"Figures," he rolled his eyes.

"So, doing some charity work I see?" Marci asked raising a perfect eyebrow.

"Yup." He smiled a little.

"So Auto, how are you feeling? You know, now that your keepers gone and all," Brooke asked. That name was so stupid. Couldn't they grow up?

"Stop," Scott ordered, shocking everyone.

"What? She just asked little Auto a simple question," Mason said. "Don't tell me you're actually enjoying the time here with her? There is no need to lie to us, we know she's a charity for you to get closer with that whale you've been trying to win over."

"Shut up." Scott's voice was filled with anger.

"What? She'll find out sooner or later. I just thought it would be sooner, I mean this thing has been going on for what? Two years now? I'm starting to think you lost track of what your goal was," Mason said.

"He probably has. He's gone soft. I mean why else would he be hanging out with Auto?" Brooke narrowed her eyes at him.

"What are they talking about?" I ask him.

"Nothing, they were just leaving," he spat.

"What? Don't want Auto to know?"

"Hey!" Carry called out, walking with two trays in her hands tords us.

"Here comes the whale," Brook muttered and Mason chuckled. Scott sent them a glare.

"Come on, let's go," he demanded to Carry, trying to drag her with him.

" What? No. Why? Don't you want to hang with your friends for a little?" She asked.

"No, I just really want to leave."

"Well let sat least sit down and eat," she sidestepped him, taking the empty seat next to me, while Seira sat down on the other side of me. Just like I predicted, she got a small salad.

"Come on man, just chill." Drew was one of the cooler ones out of there group, and he was also closer to Scott than the others.

"Just stop wasting your time, he wants to be a little bitch, let him be one. Let's go," Brooke stated, sashaying away.

"What was that all about?" Carry asked.

"I don't know," I quickly shoved one of her fries in my mouth when she looked at Scott.

~

We've been at the mall for six hours, and went in most of the stores. The sun was starting to set and Seria and Carry were looking inside of Victoria Secrets while I stayed outside with Scott. Well, stayed where I last saw him. He took off ten minutes ago, but I could honestly care less about him.

"Here Autumn, take it." Scott ordered me, shoving a bag in my hands from Tim Horton's. Looking inside I see a donut.

"What? No. I'm not accepting it."

"Autumn, you need to eat. Did you even eat breakfast?" I was in shock. Scott had never cared about weather I ate or not. 

"I'm still full from breakfast," I tell him, but he's not buying it.

"What did you eat for breakfast?" He crossed his arms, causing his muscles to pop out from his sweat-shirt.

"A pop-tart," I whisper casting my eyes down on the ground.

"Exactly. It's been ten plus hours. You need to eat something, and don't just say you'll eat when you get home because we will probably stay here until the mall closes.

I sighed, "fine."

As I was half way done with the donut Scott looked around before asking, "Seira only ate a salad like you said, and even then she only ate half of it. It looked like it was a small."

"No, really?" I rolled my eyes.

He sighed. " You said it earlier, but I just...I want to know when it all started?" His eyebrows furrowed. " Why would she do that do herself, to everyone who loves her?"

"Its been going on for a while now. I'm the only one she told, because she got really scared one time when Brendan had left for a weekend to go on some stupid camping trip. Haily was pulling a triple shift, just to come home for a few hours and then pull a double the next day. She just, she had things going on."

"Was it a boy?" Why did he want to know so much about her?

"Why do you want to know?" This was unlike him. He normally didn't want to know about anyone else. He was fine with silence.

"I need to tell you some—."

"Okay, one last store. I promise," Carry came out with a new bag on her arm filled with stuff from Victorious Secret. "We can eat afterwards."

With that we all followed Carry as she led us to the next adventure.

~

We got home a little after eleven. I slowly crept inside, so that way I didn't wake my parents. I was passing the living room when my dad called out to me.

"Where were you?" He asked, his words slurring.

"I was at the mall with Carry." He obviously had been drinking all day.

"For the whole day? Ha! No. You were out with some boy weren't you? You were fucking some asshole? Well let me tell you, if you get knocked up your fucking out! You fucking brat, you're a disappointment. Your mother should've aborted you," he spat in my face.

I tried to remind myself that it's just the alcohol talking, that he doesn't actually think that of me. But I just couldn't help but feel that maybe that's what he thought of me.

"I wa-"

"No! Get in your room Autumn! You want to be a worthless whore, you'll be treated like one!"

I could feel the tears come up into my eyes as I walked down the tiny hallway to my room. I locked the white door, then I fell to the floor.

He didn't mean it, he's just drunk. Right? No. No he meant it. Drunk thoughts are what you harbor on the inside. Drunk words are how that person really feels.

I couldn't help it, his words just kept repeating in my mind. Worthless. Disappointment. Whore. Worthless. Disappointment. Whore. Worthless. Disappointment. Whore. Worthless. Disappointment. Whore.

Over and over and over again.

I don't know how long I sat on the floor crying before I went over to my closet and pulled out the box that I had buried. The phrase "Out of sight, out of mind" was true, that is until you remember it and are drawn into the thing that you hid. Like nothing could break you out of your trance before getting the thing you are after.

I slowly opened the tiny wooden box. The metal blades shimmered in the moonlight.

I slowly ran my finger across one of the blades, my breath hitching at the feeling of the cold metal.

I was clean for two months, did I really want to throw it all away?

I breathed in deeply before I grabbed one of the blades, and ran it across my hips.


	6. Chapter Four

_August 29, 2017_

I woke up to someone poking me in the cheek. I slowly opened my eyes, the sun blinding me. When my vision focused, I leaped and tackled him into a hug.

He chuckled. "Miss me?"

"Of course. Who else am I supposed to embarrass."

He gave me a pointed look.

"I'm only joking little brother," I teasingly said.

"Yeah, whatever." We sat in silence for a moment. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to be here," the hurt in his voice made me break.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry I wasn't here for you. It must've been hard. Especially on you and his mom and Seria. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you to talk to." My breath hitched, as tears welled up in my eyes. _He was talking about Brendan's death._

 _"_ Hey, don't cry." He engulfed me into a hug. If there is one thing about Keivin, he didn't like to see anybody crying. It made him uncomfortable.

I don't know how long we sat there in silence, but when the sun blinded me again, I knew it was time for us to move.

"Thought you weren't coming home for another two days?" I ask.

"We finished early, so coach let all the underclassmen go. Only the seniors had to stay, mostly because they fucked up and were cought drinking. Well not cought doing it, but they were cought with the trash in there cabin." He rolled his eyes and scoffed. "If you're going to be drinking, especially at a training camp then you need to be smart about it."

"I thought only you and a few other under class-men were invited to it? Wait, you drinked? You know how-"

"No I didn't," he shook his head. "I wouldn't, not after...."

"Yeah," I sighed, "I know."

"Speaking of drinking, how bad was it?"

"He wasn't so bad. Mostly because he had to work during the weeks, but on Saturdays he would drink, and the other day it was bad. It wasn't even ten o'clock and he was drinking heavily. Then I got home and...."

"I'm sorry I wasn't here for that either. You know not to take-"

"Anything he says to heart when he's like that," I finished. "It's just hard sometimes, you know?"

Our dad wasn't a bad guy, he just had a problem with drinking. He's always drank, but ever since that accident he has just gotten worse. It just his way of coping with the loss though I think. Yeah it's not the best way, but I think it makes him feel closer to him.

"Enough seriouse talk, let's go do something." And with that he pulled me up out of my bed, shoving a pair of socks in my face.

**~**

"Where are we going?" I asked as we walked around down town.

"You'll see," was the only answer he's been giving me for the past hour as we walked around instead of taking the car we share.

After a few minutes he tugged me into the theatre. 

"We are going to watch a movie, to take your mind off of things for a little bit. I heard _What Happened to Monday_ is good. And before you protest, it's not romantic or scary." Sighing I let him drag me to the counter to get our tickets, drinks, and popcorn.

"I still don't get why you don't like romance movies," Kevin said as he dumped some popcorn into his mouth. "I mean...how do you...not like them?"

"I'm not like other girls," I rolled my eyes.

"Well.... that was noticeable-"

"Will you stop talking with your mouth full of food?

"Sorry. But why don't you like romance movies?"

"For the same reason I don't like romance books, they are unrealistic. They make you believe in things that wont happen, and they give peoples hearts up. Now shush, the movie is starting."

"It was okay," I said as we walked out into the blinding, hot, outside world.

"Does anything impress you? I swear every movie or song is just _okay_ to you. I swear you aren't right in the head sometimes." He shook his head with a light smile on his face. I lightly laughed along with him, _if only he knew._

"Now we are going to get some ice-cream cones," Kevin stated.

"You're a bottomless pit."

"And you suck di-"

"Don't even finish that sentence!" I screeched, earning glares from a group of old ladies walking past us.

He chuckled as we crossed the street to Frezno'z Cream Ice. Weird name, I know. But despite the weird name, the ice-cream was all home made and it tasted so good.

"What are you going to get Aut?" Kevin turned around to ask. _You don't need anything, you're already fat enough._

"Um, I'll just get a plan Vanilla."

"You sure? You don't want a mint chip dish?" He raised his eyebrows.

" Yes Kev, I'm sure."

"Okay," he dragged out before turning back to the impatient looking lady and giving her my order.

There was nothing I wanted then a mint chip dish right now, but she was right. I was fat.

Kevin had just left to use the bathroom when someone slid into his seat.

"Awe, poor baby Auto is all alone. I mean, it's not surprising. Everyone leaves you."

"Please just go away Brooke. I'm not in the mood."

Brooke pouted. "Why, don't you _want_ friends? Or are you satisfied with being an ugly dumb fat bitch? I honestly can't blame him for commiting suicide when you were his _friend._ Ha, I know id do the same thing if we were even aquantices."

I couldn't stop the tears that started to build up in my eyes.

" Your not so strong without someone protecting you, are you Auto?"

 _She's right,_ the voice nagged. _You are the reason he's gone. You are the reason why everyone around you is suffering._

"Please just leave," I whispered.

"No, I won't. I won't stop you from seeing the truth about yourself. You're so toxic to everyone, and all you do is-"

" Brooke," a man called out walking over to us. I could've sworn she tensed, but i just must've seen it because she wore a bright smile when he got near us.

"Is this one of your friends?" He asked looking at me. I have never seen this guy around school, and he looked older. Like he was in his late twenties or early thirty's.

"Yes," she beamed. "This is Autumn, but I like to call her auto because she just loved cars when we were younger."

My face crunched up in confusion. We weren't friends, we never were. So why was she telling this man we were?

"Nice to meet you Autumn. I'll see you around sometime," he winked at me, "let's go Brooke." And with that they left, leaving me confused.

_**_____________________________________** _

_J_ _ust a reminder that this story is updates on Wattpad and Inkitt every other week or sooner. If you want to get faster updates then go over there because I will only be uploading on here after a month of the chapter or four is our on thoughs sites. Or you can wait until I do update/I have completed it and update it all on here, your choice._


	7. Chapter Five

_September 1, 2017_

"I can't believe we only have three days till senior year starts," Carry pouted as she measured out two cups of powdered sugar.

_I can't either. Especially since all my plans were cancelled. I no longer had a person that I could go out with a bang and make memories that I would smile and laugh at in the future._

"I know."

"I just, it's not really registering that this will be my last year in school before college. Like, where did the time go?" 

_Lets see, we didn't go to any dances except the one in Junior year, but that was because Brandon had a 'cool plan' to pull. We didn't go to any parties, mostly because Brandon or myself wasn't invited. We would just stay home at someone's house doing nothing. And there was the fact that Brandon and I were keeping our depression away from you for the most part because you were suffering yourself and didn't need to deal with our problems as well._

"I don't know, the years just flew by." _Except for when we were in school, then the days dragged on. Especially when they decided to mess with me, which was most days._

 _"_ That they did. I mean adults always told me that as you get older time goes by faster, but I just didn't believe them." She slowly spread the frosting over the nuts onto the banana bread.

_Neither did I, and if anything they seem to be going slower._

_"_ Anyone home?" Carry's dad called out.

"We're in the kitchen!" Carry said smiling down at the delicious bread.

Max walked into the kitchen with a smile on his face, but when he saw the bread we made it disappeared. He slowly walked into the kitchen and crossed his arms.

"I dropped by to give you this," he said, holding up a bag from Kohl's. "But it looks like you wont be needing it."

_Oh no. Please don't do it. Just set the bag down and leave. Please._

"What do you mean I wont need it?" Carry scrunched up her eyebrows, clearly not seeing the signs of whats going to happen.

"Seeing as you-"

"Max? What are you doing here?" Carry's mom asked, setting down her purse. She looked exhausted from working at the hospital.

"I was just stopping by to give Carry something, I was just leaving Marindia." 

_Nice save_ , I rolled my eyes. Slowly he set the bag on the counter before he left the house. Carry quickly opened the bag, a light smile on her face. He had bought her a nice blue, purple, and pink sunset dress. When she caught sight of the price tag her smile disappeared and her eyes began to fill with tears.

"Ca-" Marindia began, but she was already outside.

"I'll take care of her." Before I went outside I looked at the tag, and noticed it was a extra large. Carry at the least wore a double x. The price was astonishing, he paid sixty-five dollars for it.

Walking into her back yard I couldn't see her. I didn't even have to think before I walked into the woods. Once I was able to see the tiny pond I spotted Carry sitting on the bench under a weeping willow. As I got closer I could see the tears on her face.

"Hey," I greeted once I was close enough, "Want to talk about it?"

She quickly wiped her tears away before putting a smile on her face. 

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"People who say they are fine lie. I know you better than others. I know somethings wrong, I'm your best friend through-"

"Thick and thin, I know. Its just, its hard. I'm trying my best to please him, to be his perfect daughter. But nothing I ever do is good enough. All month on that trip I was miserable." Slowly I sat down next to her.

"No one is perfect. Stop trying to be, you're just going to hurt yourself in the process."

"You don't understand. I barley ate when he was around. He would order at the restaurants for me, and he would take me shopping but wouldn't buy me anything because everything we could agree on was nice wasn't in my size. He doesn't realize how hard it is for me to loose weight, I'm lucky I lost all the weight I did-" I cut her off, not liking where she was taking this.

"And he doesn't know all the details on how you hurt yourself to loose that weight. He doesn't know how much your mom hurts because of that, and even now because she see's you are still unhappy and that its mostly because of him."

"I know. That's why she kicked him out. She loves him too much to divorce him, but I think that would be better, for all of us. He's already moved on. He divided to tell me while we were on the beach, where she and her two kids were meeting us for the rest of the trip. Who does that?"

This was news to me. She never mentioned them before.

"Yeah, I didn't tell you because we just lost our best friend and I wasn't there. I didn't want to add onto your plate more than I already have to. He was so caring and loving to her and her kids. He seemed to love her daughter, Vera. He not once was rude, or ordered her food for her. Not once did he tell her he didn't like what she wanted to get. Not once can I remember him ever being that loving to me, his own daughter!"

I didn't know what to say, I was stunned.

"He gives my mom false hope on them being able to work things out too. It's like he was a totally different man once they joined us. The way he treated Kimberly, Vera, and Nathan was something I've never seen him act like. He was so loving, and accepting too! Nathan is gay! And he had no problem with it what so ever when he came out to us. He never said anything cruel or made any faces. But when Camden came out as pan-sexual and Jordan as trans he blew a gasket. You remember, you were there to see it all go down."

My heart broke for her brother's. Her dad kicked each out shortly after they came out, and Camden didn't look back. Not once did he call or send a letter. Not once in the last six years has he been in any contact with Carry or Marindia. I mean yeah Marinida just stand by and watch as her husband abused her sons, mentally and physically, but she was hurting so much after they left. She still hurts to know two of her baby's aren't with her anymore. Jordan changed his name to Johnathan. He got top surgery and bottom surgery. Johnathan stops by once in a while, and he at least keeps in contact with Carry. He is slowly forgiving Marindia for just standing by as they were put threw hell. Carry only gets information on Camden when John shares something he knows, and from the sounds of it it sounds like he's doing well.

"Well, they aren't his kids?" I offered, but I knew that was nothing to go off of. Max was the type of guy who didn't care if you were a stranger, he'd share his beliefs without so much as a second thought, or a thought about the after math of his beliefs.

"You know that's a lie. He went off on a lesbian couple at the fair for holding hands, and a gay couple who kissed, once! He said their PDA was disgusting, but that's barley any PDA!"

"I know. Just, just try to not let him get to you? There is nothing wrong with your size. If anything your size makes you not only you, but an amazing huger and I'm sure a great cudddler."

She laughed, "Maybe I should become a cuddlist? I'd be great at it wouldn't I?"

"Yeah, yeah you would." And with that we walked back to her house, talking about what she should wear on the first day of school. I said comfy clothes, but she said something 'fancy' like. I would actually love to see what her something fancy would be, it's not like stores with super nice clothes have a lot of things for bigger women which is sad because they say they have stuff for anyone and anyone when they in-fact don't.

~

Keivin and I were setting the table when my dad walked in. I could tell he had stopped with Derric for a drink at the pub downtown on his way home with how hard he slammed the front door. 

"Lauren, I'm home!" He called through out the house.

"I'm in the kitchen," she replied, but she didn't need to because he was already sitting down at the table.

"What did my wonderful wife make for me today?"

"Hm, I don't know. I think I made garlic and cheese chicken with greenbeand and homemade mashed potatoes," she teased giving him a kiss on his cheek.

"What? I thought we were having fish?" 

"Well Autumn and Keivin don't-"

"I dont care what that ungrateful brat likes and doesnt like, she should eat whats put on the table infront of her or starve for all I care. You're my wife, that means you please me! I'm the one who's put first, not _her_!"

Mom's face contorted into one of shock, hurt, and anger.

"Come with me?" Keivin asked as he headed for the back door. Slowly I followed my brother outside. We both sat on the swing set we've had since forever as we heard the faint screaming of our parents.

"Shit," he swore.

"What?"

"I have to go to the bathroom." He got up and was walking tords the sliding glass door.

"You could just go in the bushes, if you're shy I can turn around and clos-"

"Fuck no," he muttered his voice filled with anger as he stormed into the house, but turning going into the kitchen instead of down the hallway. I could hear the yelling of my parents and Keivin through the open back door. I slowly made my way over to the door, to see my dad throwing a punch at Keivin while my mom was hysterical in tears a red hand print on her cheek. Slowly I made my way inside, closing the door as to not alert the neighbors. 

My dad had never hit my mom before, ever. So seeing her red cheek surprised me, and the fact that he wasn't just play fighting with Keivin but actually trying to harm him shocked me even more. When he got keivin down on the ground and was mercilessly throwing punches at him I started to scream for him to stop.

"Look what you're doing! Just stop! You're hurting him!" My screaming did nothing to phase him. I quickly made my way over to him and tried to get him off of Keivin. I had little to no effect on him. I was jerked back when I felt a blow to my nose. I had been elbowed in the nose.

Looking at Keivin, I knew he was fighting as much and as hard as he possibly could, but he was losing and he was struggling to keep his eyes open. I didn't think before I grabbed the closest thing to me and threw it at his side. It was only a pillow, so I knew it didn't hurt him, but it did get his attition.

"Oh, now you're throwing stuff at me you bitch?" He stormed over to me. "You just don't know when to mind your own business, do you?"

He griped my arms and shook me. I tried to get out of his hold, but it only made him tighten his grip on me. Tears flowed down my face as I was slammed against the wall, and punched in the stomach.

"You just never know when to stop, do you slut? Always ruining everyones lives you touch. Slowly driving them off the edge and into darkness. You're responsible for both of there deaths." He spit in my face, shoving his knee between my legs. 

_It is your fault they are gone. It's your fault for everything going wrong in Carry's life. You make everyone's life hell! You! Not anyone or anything else, you!_

I tried to stop the voice, but it wouldn't stop. It just got worse as his attack and words got worse.

My mother finally stopped crying and came over as Keivin was talking into the phone.

"Steve? Steve, it's me, Laur. Your wife. Please let her go, please stop hurting her," she begged but he didn't bulge. She kept pleading, but it was no use. He was too far gone.

"These are the consequence's you have you face you whore! You wanted this thing! You-"

He was cut off by a pounding at the door, and someone yelling that they were from the police department. He stood frozen as Keivin let them in. And in less than a minute they had him in hand cuffs and walking to the back of their patrol car.


End file.
